The best Eric Cartman quotes show why he’s regarded by viewers as the funniest character in South Park. Cartman represents the satirical embodiment of everything wrong with the human race, yet audiences can’t help but find themselves fascinated by him. Although South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker base the characters Stan and Kyle on their own personas, they’ve admitted that Eric Cartman partially embodies the darkest side of them that they would never dare expose to society. Cartman is truly one of the most interesting characters on TV, and he is so well-written that he deserves some dedication.
From making one of his school bullies literally eat his own parents to campaigning to have his friend’s feeding tube removed in order to get a PSP, the darkest Cartman storylines on South Park prove that the deranged fourth grader will stop at absolutely nothing to get whatever he wants — which is precisely why Cartman is so appealing. He literally has no boundaries and no moral compass to speak of, and that’s why the best Cartman quotes include some of the most memorable lines in the entirety of South Park.
20
“I Would Never Let A Woman Kick My A**”
Season 1, Episode 5, “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig”
Casual sexism is far from the worst of his crimes, though this early example of it from South Park season 1 still stands as one of the best Cartman quotes. Most of South Park season 1’s “An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig” was a parody of The Island of Dr. Moreau, with the bizarre Dr. Mephesto as a stand-in for Marlon Brando’s Dr. Moreau. However, this particular quote from Cartman doesn’t tie into the episodes plot.
Early episodes of South Park almost always started with the boys standing at the bus stop and talking about something. In this case, it was Stan showing up with a black eye. When Stan reveals that his sister Shelley is responsible for the bruising, Cartman mocks him. Not only does Cartman say he wouldn’t let a woman beat him up, he goes on a rant saying he would say:
“Eh, you get your bi**h ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie.”
What really made this Cartman quote so memorable is that Cartman just kept reeling off more and more increasingly-awful things he would say to the woman, each demand more ridiculous than the one before. By the end, Stan asks what Cartman is even talking about, and he explains that he is just saying, “You’re just a little wuss, that’s all.”
19
“Anything That’s Fun Costs At Least Eight Dollars”
Season 9, Episode 12, “Trapped in the Closet”
“Trapped in the Closet” is one of the most controversial South Park episodes because it made fun of Scientology and is one of the reasons Isaac Hayes quit the show after the season ended. However, it also contains one of the best Eric Cartman quotes, and in this (rare) instance, the line isn’t so memorable because it’s particularly offensive. In this instance, it’s one of Cartman’s several bizarrely specific philosophies about the way of the world, namely that there’s a minimum price-tag when it comes to fun.
In “Trapped in the Closet”, Stan wanted to do something fun — but free. Cartman told Stan that was ridiculous because of the law of physics. According to Cartman, it’s scientific fact that anything fun has to cost at least $8. The fact that $8 is an incredibly specific amount makes this Cartman quote funny enough on its own, but his insisting that his claim was scientifically backed by the laws of physics made it all the more hilarious. Also, it becomes clear that Stan should have listened. Instead, he took a free “personality test” from Scientologists, and they offered him a spot for just $240.
18
“Hippies. They’re Everywhere. They Wanna Save The Earth, But All They Do Is Smoke Pot And Smell Bad.”
Season 4, Episode 6, “Cherokee Hair Tampons”
Eric Cartman is one of the most intolerant characters ever seen on screen. There’s almost no minority he doesn’t take chagrin with. However, many of the funniest Cartman quotes in South Park stem from his hatred of one specific subculture — hippies. In the season 4 episode “Cherokee Hair Tampons,” Kyle is sick and might have kidney failure. Because his family can’t afford the medical bills, they decide to try holistic medicine at a Native American New Age shop in town.
This disgusts Cartman, who shows his disdain and continued prejudice by mocking the people who go to the store, calling them “hippies” and then delivering this quote that shows what his narrow-minded views think of them and their past times. It isn’t the first time that Cartman has insulted the hippy culture, but as always, Cartman’s own ignorance bites him in the end when Stan tricks him into donating a kidney to save Kyle.
17
“Words Cannot Express How Much I Hate You Guys”
Season 3, Episode 14, “The Red Badge of Gayness”
It’s difficult to depict his most evil or lowest moment in South Park, but there is a strong case for season 3’s “The Red Badge of Gayness” showing Cartman at his absolute worst. However, as is to be expected, this also means that the episode includes one of the funniest Cartman quotes —though it’s also one that doesn’t quite work out of context. When the students of South Park Elementary have their annual American Civil War reenactment in “The Red Badge of Gayness”, most of the kids act as a Union Army rally band.
However, when it comes time to start, Cartman comes dressed as General Robert E. Lee, and he takes on the full persona of a Confederate soldier. He then gets the Confederate re-enactors drunk on Schnapps and has them actually attack Topeka. His goal is to win the war for the South all these years later, and Cartman sends a letter to Stan and Kyle saying he will win this war and will enslave them because “I hate you guys, so very much.”
16
“How Do I Reach These Kids?”
Season 12, Episode 5, “Eek, A P*nis!”
The best Cartman quotes don’t always come when he’s being offensive or intolerant. While Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are no strangers to being caught up in ever-escalating events due to their plans and schemes, Cartman seems to actively throw himself into them, and often comes up with alternate personas to do so. Such is the case in season 12’s “Eek, A Penis”, which includes a hilariously funny Cartman catchphrase when he becomes inner-city school teacher Mr. Cartmenez. In one of the most ludicrous storylines in South Park history, when the school removes Mr. Garrison from his job teaching, they ask Cartman to replace him.
Cartman has his classmates steal all the test notes and ace their next test, with the school officials deciding that Cartman is just that great of a teacher. He is then sent to an inner-city school, and utilizing a comb-over similar to Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver, he adopts his Mr. Cartmenez persona to teach the finer points of cheating. What makes this Cartman quote particularly funny is that it mirrors the dialogue of Olmos’ Stand and Deliver character, which Mr Cartmenez repeats throughout the episode in an exasperated tone.
15
“I Kinda Always Thought You Were My Best Friend”
Season 5, Episode 13, “Kenny Dies”
Cartman is friends with Kyle, Stan, and Kenny, but he also despises them in equal measure. However, the one friend that Cartman seems to respect the least is Kenny. This is mostly because Kenny is from a family without any money, and Cartman likes to always make fun of him for his struggles. Despite that, in season 5’s “Kenny Dies”, Cartman suddenly says that Kenny has always been his best friend. This is, of course, a lie, as Kenny is dying and Cartman wants to use his friend’s illness to get stem cell research legalized again after the government bans it.
Cartman pretends to be Kenny’s closest friend and finally convinces the House of Representatives to pass a bill allowing stem cell research to save his friend’s life. However, the big twist here is that Cartman doesn’t use stem cell research to save Kenny — who, as he often does in South Park, dies — but somehow uses it to duplicate his favorite pizza place. This quote perfectly represents how Cartman really only cares about himself.
14
“Maybe, We All Have To Learn To Live Together”
Season 9, Episode 11, “Ginger Kids”
Season 9’s “Ginger Kids” contains one of the best Cartman quotes that stands out because it’s an incredibly reluctant inversion of his usual intolerance. Cartman is full of prejudice and there might not be a minority in existence that he doesn’t proclaim to hate. However, it seems that he hates people with red hair almost more than anyone else, saying they suffer from “Gingervitis.” To prove a point, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sneak into Cartman’s bedroom when he is sleeping and dye his hair red, bleach his skin a pale color, and add tattoos of freckles on his face.
This quote comes after Cartman realizes he is now a target of all the hate speech from the kids who previously followed him. One thing that stands out about Cartman is that he is easily one to dish out insults, but when they come at him, he develops a complex and becomes overly defensive. After spending the entire episode insulting others, he decides he is one of them and says if they “exterminate everyone who isn’t ginger then we’re no better than they were for thinking less of us.”
13
“Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home!”
Season 1, Episode 1, “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe”
Cartman has a tagline from the very first episode of South Park, and his catchphrase of “Screw you guys, I’m going home” still stands strong as one of his funniest quotes. In the South Park pilot episode, “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe,” aliens abduct Cartman and — as the title suggests — perform an anal probe on him. However, no one believes him and he finally gets tired of telling his story to skeptics.
Cartman decides he has better things to do than hang around with his friends, so he simply drops in one of his most famous lines, “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” He starts saying it more and more, often changing how he says it and making it one of his funniest lines. This became a catchphrase fans of the show would quote all the time in its early seasons of South Park.
12
“No, Kitty, This Is My Pot Pie…”
Season 1, Episode 1, “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe”
Another hilarious Cartman quote came in the first ever episode of South Park, and it’s one that was often repeated during the show’s earlier seasons. One of the running jokes in South Park about Cartman is his love of eating, which often causes his friends to make fun of him. He is also very demanding of his mother and wants to ensure he has food whenever he wants it. This starts in season 1’s “Cartman Gets An Anal Probe” when Cartman is at home and gets himself some delicious pot pie. As he sits on the couch, his family cat (who is simply named “kitty”) walks into the room and looks at him, letting out a low meow.
This sets off Cartman, who assumes the cat wants his pot pie. Every time the cat meows, Cartman gets angrier until he calls the kitty bad because it is his pot pie. It goes a long way to show his anger issues. This is also one of several Cartman quotes that’s mainly hilarious because of the delivery, with Cartman’s now-iconic voice going a lone way to making the simple phrase unforgettably funny.
11
“How About We Sing Kyle’s Mom’s A Stupid B**ch In D Minor”
Season 1, Episode 9, “Mister Hanky The Christmas Poo”
South Park contains several incredibly memorable musical numbers, though few are as infamous as “Kyle’s Mom’s A Stupid B**ch”. Cartman has said a lot of bad things to people, but in the South Park season 1 episode “Mister Hanky The Christmas Poo”, he references a musical number (one that was then repeated in the South Park movie). This Cartman quote and the song that followed on from it came thanks to Kyle’s mother protesting the Christmas play, forcing the school to remove all mentions of Jesus and Santa from their celebrations.
Cartman, furious about the entire situation, lets Kyle know what he thinks about his mom. When Kyle gets angry, Cartman turns it into a huge song and dance number. By the end, he has all the other kids dancing and clapping with him and Mr. Garrison is even smiling. The song ends up repeated in the playground, with Kyle’s mom showing up to catch Cartman in the act, but that doesn’t deter him either. When Cartman gets something in his head, he doesn’t let it go.
